So i'm down in oklahoma and I want to give everyone an update, but i'm going to try to be as quick in writing it as possible, since I'm borrowing someone's computer at the moment and he'll probably want it back as soon as he's done talking to his girlfriend on the phone. Fortunately, she's pretty longwinded. It's been a lot warmer down here than it is back home. Today it was nearly 90 degrees! It was a bit of a rough start, but I'm gaining momentum. The dorms are basically a bunkhouse, the people are VERY rough and crass, but I definitely see a place where I can make a difference. One of my prayers coming down here was that I could be a blessing to the people around me while I'm down here, and I definitely am feeling like that is possible.
I've found a church that I can plug into down here. I went for the first time and had conversations with probably a dozen people who noticed that I was new and welcomed me. Also, someone invited me over to lunch with them which was wonderful. It was great to get away from school and hang around people that I could let my guard down and be comfortable instead of trying to be sure i was representing what i want to represent. I'm looking forward to spending the next 3 months getting to know the people there and hopefully finding a way to get involved in their community.
Finally, the learning curve on the practical aspect of horseshoeing school has been pretty steep. It basically felt like we were thrown at a horse and told 'now you do it.' The first week was a bit rocky, but I'm starting to feel like I'm gaining at least some degree of proficiency. I was smiling a lot today as I was working because I know I'm getting better and I know that I really CAN do this. I can learn a lot, I can graduate, and I can go back to Minnesota and make a living doing it. One of the ideas I'm throwing around is having a goal of getting my journeyman farrier certification at the end of the twelve weeks. It would be hard to do, but not impossible. it seems, at the very least, to be a good thing to shoot for and something to help me stay motivated.
Thank you everyone for your support and your prayers. It really feels like God's hand has been on me and the things I'm doing down here and I KNOW it's because of all the prayer support I've been getting. Please continue praying for me, specifically that I'll be able to make some connections at Emmanuel Baptist of Purcell, find a way to serve there without compromising school, be a good influence on my fellow students and make a positive difference in their lives, and continue to be motivated and encouraged as I shoe horses. Also, please pray that I do not injure myself or get sick. So far, I've been very blessed and have only gotten minor scrapes and cuts.
Thanks again everyone. I'll try to, in the near future, post some of the things I've been writing, but for now I have to go. there's a thunderstorm brewing and my computer time is up.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKlahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...
Dear Friends and Family:
I have very exciting news. On April 11, 2011, I will be beginning a 12 week curriculum at Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, where I will spend 9 hours a day for 6 days a week learning everything I can about taking care of horses' feet. I'm beginning my journey on the 9th, driving 800 miles to a place I've never been, never seen, but have only heard about. It's scary. It's very scary.
Some of you may not know that I've spent about half of my life working with horses. I grew up in Zumbrota on a farm where, in cooperation with my dad's parents, we bred, raised and trained Paso Fino horses. A significant portion of my teenage life was spent taking care of, training, and learning about horses. So, to those of you who may think this is a strange step for me to be taking, I assure you it is not.
I've struggled with school for nearly five years now, moving from one educational institution to another. The most important thing I've learned in all of this is that I'm not ready to get a bachelor's degree or even an AA degree. I just can't make it seem important enough. Always it's in competition for time from my job, my social life, my involvement in church, reading interesting books, watching TV, playing video games...the list goes on. Realizing this in recent months has been frustrating, and I began looking for alternatives. Becoming a farrier (dude who takes care of horses' feet....think of them as 'horse podiatrists') was one alternative I was presented with about two years ago and passed by, because I just wasn't ready to pursue it. Now, the opportunity reared its head again and I decided to pursue it.
I'm excited at the prospect of the occupation. I've always liked horses, though I'll admit that having ten or twenty on the farm certainly seemed like a nuisance when trying to juggle high school, sports, social life..., and know that I will be passionate about taking the BEST care of them that I possibly can. I do a very good job of latching onto information and processing it into useful knowledge. Horseshoeing is FULL of information like this. Also, I've had a year and a half experience at Caribou Coffee where I've come to understand the service industry on a very deep level, as well as have grown to appreciate the importance of networking and customer service/communication. With the training I'll receive at Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, I believe I'll be very well set up to enter back into the horse world as a well trained and highly skilled farrier.
I won't have a computer down at OHS, nor will I have regular access to internet, but my hope is to go to a library on a weekly basis, or some similar regular interval, to update this blog and check my emails. I will have my cell phone, for those of you who have the number or know where you can get it, and I'll be done with my classes on a daily basis at 4 PM if you care to reach me, talk with me, check in with me, etc. This adventure is going to be more difficult than probably any undertaking I've yet attempted, but I've done as much as I can to be sure that I am prepared and will have as few distractions as possible. Your support would be much appreciated while I am down at OHS, whether it is prayer or mail or just general encouragement. The address that snail mail can be sent to (and I actually really love snail mail) is:
Jef Allen
Oklahoma Horseshoeing School
26446 Horseshoe Cir.
Purcell, OK 73080
I will be living at dormitories on the compound at the school and will be almost COMPLETELY immersed in the culture and experience the school has to offer.
One of the reasons this opportunity excites me is that, once I am done at OHS, I will be responsible for finding my own clientele and will basically decide my workload and how I want to go about marketing and networking. I have no delusions that I won't be scrambling for any opportunity I can lay my hands on once I return this summer, but as I progress and get my foot in the door, I will be able to work at my own pace and with incredible freedom. I'll be able to work around other things that are important to me such as ministry opportunities, mission trips, vacations, and time for writing. Also, there is always the opportunity to develop and become a better farrier. There's no real limit to what I can achieve. I find it impossible to be anything BUT excited about these prospects.
I expect I will be returning to the twin cities (over 4th of July weekend) after completing the 12 week program (that sounds funny...especially if you substitute 'step' for 'week'...I digress), begging for a place to stay from some of my friends, and then seeking out an apprenticeship under one of the established farriers in the Twin Cities area. From there...who knows? I'm just excited to be stepping forward into a bigger adventure than what I've been living lately. I'm excited at the prospect of financial independence and stability. I'm excited at the idea of making life better for horse owners and, yes, even horses. Also, I'm excited that the years I spent working on a farm will actually be useful again, as they so often seem to be just quaint memories in the city, as the environment is so very different.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post and learning what it is I'm setting out to do. I hope the information presented here is useful and gives you insight into me and what I'm about and what I'm going to be doing. I'd love to stay in contact with as many people as possible, although the amount of time and internet access available to me down in Oklahoma will limit that to a degree, so please, if you try to contact me, be patient and I'll do my best to respond when I can. (sounds like an answering machine message).
Thanks again and God bless!
I have very exciting news. On April 11, 2011, I will be beginning a 12 week curriculum at Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, where I will spend 9 hours a day for 6 days a week learning everything I can about taking care of horses' feet. I'm beginning my journey on the 9th, driving 800 miles to a place I've never been, never seen, but have only heard about. It's scary. It's very scary.
Some of you may not know that I've spent about half of my life working with horses. I grew up in Zumbrota on a farm where, in cooperation with my dad's parents, we bred, raised and trained Paso Fino horses. A significant portion of my teenage life was spent taking care of, training, and learning about horses. So, to those of you who may think this is a strange step for me to be taking, I assure you it is not.
I've struggled with school for nearly five years now, moving from one educational institution to another. The most important thing I've learned in all of this is that I'm not ready to get a bachelor's degree or even an AA degree. I just can't make it seem important enough. Always it's in competition for time from my job, my social life, my involvement in church, reading interesting books, watching TV, playing video games...the list goes on. Realizing this in recent months has been frustrating, and I began looking for alternatives. Becoming a farrier (dude who takes care of horses' feet....think of them as 'horse podiatrists') was one alternative I was presented with about two years ago and passed by, because I just wasn't ready to pursue it. Now, the opportunity reared its head again and I decided to pursue it.
I'm excited at the prospect of the occupation. I've always liked horses, though I'll admit that having ten or twenty on the farm certainly seemed like a nuisance when trying to juggle high school, sports, social life..., and know that I will be passionate about taking the BEST care of them that I possibly can. I do a very good job of latching onto information and processing it into useful knowledge. Horseshoeing is FULL of information like this. Also, I've had a year and a half experience at Caribou Coffee where I've come to understand the service industry on a very deep level, as well as have grown to appreciate the importance of networking and customer service/communication. With the training I'll receive at Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, I believe I'll be very well set up to enter back into the horse world as a well trained and highly skilled farrier.
I won't have a computer down at OHS, nor will I have regular access to internet, but my hope is to go to a library on a weekly basis, or some similar regular interval, to update this blog and check my emails. I will have my cell phone, for those of you who have the number or know where you can get it, and I'll be done with my classes on a daily basis at 4 PM if you care to reach me, talk with me, check in with me, etc. This adventure is going to be more difficult than probably any undertaking I've yet attempted, but I've done as much as I can to be sure that I am prepared and will have as few distractions as possible. Your support would be much appreciated while I am down at OHS, whether it is prayer or mail or just general encouragement. The address that snail mail can be sent to (and I actually really love snail mail) is:
Jef Allen
Oklahoma Horseshoeing School
26446 Horseshoe Cir.
Purcell, OK 73080
I will be living at dormitories on the compound at the school and will be almost COMPLETELY immersed in the culture and experience the school has to offer.
One of the reasons this opportunity excites me is that, once I am done at OHS, I will be responsible for finding my own clientele and will basically decide my workload and how I want to go about marketing and networking. I have no delusions that I won't be scrambling for any opportunity I can lay my hands on once I return this summer, but as I progress and get my foot in the door, I will be able to work at my own pace and with incredible freedom. I'll be able to work around other things that are important to me such as ministry opportunities, mission trips, vacations, and time for writing. Also, there is always the opportunity to develop and become a better farrier. There's no real limit to what I can achieve. I find it impossible to be anything BUT excited about these prospects.
I expect I will be returning to the twin cities (over 4th of July weekend) after completing the 12 week program (that sounds funny...especially if you substitute 'step' for 'week'...I digress), begging for a place to stay from some of my friends, and then seeking out an apprenticeship under one of the established farriers in the Twin Cities area. From there...who knows? I'm just excited to be stepping forward into a bigger adventure than what I've been living lately. I'm excited at the prospect of financial independence and stability. I'm excited at the idea of making life better for horse owners and, yes, even horses. Also, I'm excited that the years I spent working on a farm will actually be useful again, as they so often seem to be just quaint memories in the city, as the environment is so very different.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post and learning what it is I'm setting out to do. I hope the information presented here is useful and gives you insight into me and what I'm about and what I'm going to be doing. I'd love to stay in contact with as many people as possible, although the amount of time and internet access available to me down in Oklahoma will limit that to a degree, so please, if you try to contact me, be patient and I'll do my best to respond when I can. (sounds like an answering machine message).
Thanks again and God bless!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
consider it to be thoughts, puking themselves out onto the page: one giant blob of idea that maybe makes a little sense.
It is time to write.
This blog is nearly abandoned, which was not my initial intent.
However, I've been dormant because of my frustration. I've been frustrated with myself. I've been frustrated with the place I find myself in, as far as life goes. When I think about what I WANT to do with my life, there is an ache. I ache because I want to contribute to everything around me. I want to make people's days better. I want to give an artistic contribution. Yet, as with many people (if not all) I find my time and efforts being consumed by the drudgery of trying to pay bills and just get ENOUGH money. I don't like that thought. What is 'enough money'? Obviously, I don't have it. But will I ever get there?
Perhaps the frustration is more that I am consumed with the idea, and less with the idea itself. I don't like having anxiety about money. I don't like living paycheck to paycheck. Now, I find myself able to do something about it. I find myself pursuing the opportunity to do something about it.
I'm going to leave everything I know for three months. I'm going to pack up and pursue an opportunity to learn a skill that will be enough, I hope. My sincerest hope is that this adventure will inspire me, encourage me, and give me the freedom to be an artist, and to leave behind some of the crutches that I lean on. I lean on my video games, my TV shows....lots of different things, just so I will fill time. I take the pain and the emotion that I feel and I either bury it, or I let it be sucked out. Instead of expressing it, I fight with it.
Donald Miller wrote about life being an adventure. He talked about how we were MEANT to live a life worth writing about. Instead, so many of us sit on our ambition and fight to be comfortable. I would be content to be uncomfortable, I think, if it meant I could create art that inspires people.
The next three months I view like the idea of hell in an epic. A hero leaves home, usually at some sort of catalysmic event. They go out into the world and struggle; usually with the help of people close to them. Like in the Odyssey, there is the yearning for home. Yet, before he can return home, he has to walk into hell itself. He learns what he needs to know in order to return home. Then Odysseus returns home a hero.
Maybe that's what I'm hoping for in all of this: that I will find home when I'm done. I hope that I will be able to return and MAKE a home for myself.
It seems a little extreme, but I've never really experienced the world in the mundane: not with my soul.
The days themselves seem mundane, but the big picture is always epic. We have our own epic story to write. Do we CHOOSE to write it?
My father told me about how we should not let others' perception of what we can and cannot do limit what we allow ourselves to achieve. How often do we seem to wait for PERMISSION to live up to our dreams. We never take first steps because we're afraid that the end goal is beyond our reach.
I find myself so often afraid to try because I'm afraid I won't measure up to what I hope and dream I can be.
I've found that in my writing as of late. I've been trying to write a short story that MEANS something. I want it to be entertaining. I want it to flow and be captivating, but at the same time it has to mean SOMETHING. I want to empower and inspire, not just entertain. If I don't do that, I feel like it isn't art. It's simply another way to use up time that we are afraid to use for greater things.
So I put my short story down and am having trouble returning to it. I'm having trouble rolling up my sleeves to engage in a struggle with the words and the ideas. It's never good enough. I could always turn in a paper or short story for school after the second draft and do fine. But this is for me. It is for posterity. It is to show that I AM good at my craft. That it DOES mean something. I have the support of the people around me, but I feel like the real struggle is to convince myself.
Anyway, I find myself looking at other artists, and what they are doing, and I am inspired. I want to take my own passion and creativity and wrestle with it until it takes form and MEANS something.
We all experience pain. We all struggle to understand life and make sense of it. It seems that most often it is through art that we are able to convey that struggle with one another. It's through art that we're able to empathize with one another, or to encourage one another. I've definitely felt that in reading, or looking at sculptures, tattoos, street art, and many other forms. Sometimes, even the way someone is dressed is inspirational. They've turned themselves into a walking art piece, conveying a message about what they believe. Those of us who try can CONNECT with people through things like this.
I think that's something that I really like about the 'art community'. The goal, it seems to me, is not to create some lasting piece that will make you famous, but rather to connect with people, to empathize. To show our pain, our struggle, and have people go 'oh...i get it. I feel it too.' Sometimes, the art community seems to be a conversation about pain, ideas, archetype. I want to be a part of it all.
So, coming full circle, it is now time for a leap of faith. It's time to set out on an adventure. It's time to take first steps towards becoming what I set out to be as a wide eyed teenager. Maybe, when it's all over, I'll find home again. Maybe I won't. But I will give it my best shot. I'll step into the ring to exchange blows with my weaknesses, my adversity, my challenges, my fears. I'll look my destiny in the eyes and say 'I'm coming for you. I won't be stopped. Step by small step, I'm getting closer.'
Friday, October 29, 2010
Why Jesus Came
A man asked me the other day why Jesus came. He had an answer, but he wanted to hear mine. I was caught off guard and I couldn’t put it very well into words, but I think I can now. Jesus came to earth because He loves us. He came to earth to walk among men like God did back in Eden. He came to have relationship with people again, not like he did with Moses or Abraham, but like He did with Adam and Eve, and He came to teach us how to live in that relationship. He came to do whatever was necessary to restore that relationship: stand in defiance against local authority, subject Himself to scorn and mockery, be tempted by an angel who betrayed Him, and even die in the most painful way possible, sacrificing his life so that, when we die and this world fades, we can walk with God in a new world like Adam and Eve did in Eden. He showed us the way, opened a door, and invited us to walk through. What awaits us on the other side is the fruit of his sacrifice and a testament to His love: eternal life with God, free from sin, the way He intended us to live.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
ok, just letting you know i'm not NEGLECTING this blog like i've forgotten it or anything, its just moving has this way of throwing off my rhythm and i'm sent spinning for a while til i regain my bearing. any sort of significant change does that. i assume that's how it is with most, if not all, people, but i believe it affects me more significantly due to certain instabilities in the very nature of who i am. i accept that. so, to sum it all up again, i'll be writing more here soon, i expect. hopefully i'll update on story ideas, what i've been up to, musings i've had about experiences i've...well, experienced..etc. so there you go. and yes, i am aware i did NOT use any proper capitalization in this post. consider it my small act of rebellion for the day.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Infallibility
written after watching 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape'
I want to be infallible. I know I can't be, and that creates a bit of a dilemma. I oftentimes feel that the only real purpose I can serve is to make people's lives better. I want to see that I am making people's lives better. Instead, it sometimes feels like all I see are my own failures to do so. My family loves me, and I love them back. I want to do right by them. I wish there were a better expression for this than the one I just used, but to do so would take so many words: I want to make them proud, I want to take care of them, I want to be better than they expect, all they hoped for, make them better too...
I want to be infallible. I want to be there for my friends whenever they need me. I wish they would let me know when they need me because I can't be there for them if they don't let me know. It's not this sense of duty I feel, really. It may come across that way, but its not. I don't feel obligated to help people. If that were the case, I would be resentful and bitter. I would hate myself and everyone who relies on me, but that's not the case. Instead, I just want people to understand. I want people to know they can lean on me, and I will hold them up with all the strength I possess. When that strength falters, I need others to hold me up so I can keep holding up those who lean on me.
Yet, I feel so alone so much of the time. I feel like its me against the world and no one really understands. I can't communicate it with people except for every once in a long while. It seems like, even then, they don't understand me. How can they? I tell my stories. I tell them who I am, and through the stories, they get a glimpse of who I am. A mere glimpse. It would take hundreds upon hundreds of stories for someone to know me. But I want them to. I want someone to.
I don't live with my family anymore. It's hard. They know me. Yet, the more and more we are apart, the less they know me. We will always have something that will not go away: a bond, a sense of common experience—but it seems that, each passing month, or year, it's harder to find that bond amid the changes that are happening in each of our lives. It's harder to dredge through the alien feelings we have toward each other, and cut down to the core of who we are: we are family. It scares me, because maybe one day, the time it takes to get to the core of it...we won't take that time. Maybe someday we'll all be so busy that we'll lose sight of it, and it will be buried beneath a great weight of differences.
Families are supposed to go their separate ways, I know that. I don't think we're ready yet. They still need me. I still need them. Will it always be this way? Is it simply a matter of finding a balance between making sacrifices to be with them and fighting to create our own identity? I really hope this is simply an American phenomenon. I actually wish its not even that widespread, because this, in the core of my soul, feels...slightly...off. I know my mom and my sister and my brother are doing okay. They're doing fine. But I don't want fine for them. I can give my sister something just by having a conversation with her. I can transform fine into something better by my presence or by my words. By being in the right place at the right time, I can express love in such magnitude that it transcends form and floods forward like a river that has breached its dam. But I can't always be there.
A day will come when, in going my own way, I'll start my own family. I'll start a branch off of the tree that goes back to my mom and dad, my aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents...etc. Then i'll have someone who, though they won't always be there, they will be there as much as they can. They will get to know me, and will spend years and years in this pursuit. As will I of them. I will get married, and we will be two human beings accepting each other as we are, to the best of our abilities, and willing each other to be the best they can be. I want to support someone, share their dreams, be a pillar of strength for them. I want them to come to me when they need help. I want them to know that I will always be there. I will not be infallible, but I will give all that I have and more. 'and more': it would seem impossible, but I know it can be done. It is a leap of faith into the unknown, sacrificing solid footing in the hope of gaining something better. Love aids us in doing this. I want to love someone that deeply. Someone that will not go their separate way one day. Someone that I am bound to, by a sacred oath, until death parts us. And after that, we will be the bride of someone infallible, but until then, we will do our best to be his image as a spouse instead.
People talk about soulmates like its something we need to find. We need to find that one specific person who will understand us, who will be our exact counterpart, like two puzzle pieces that only interlock with each other. I disagree. I don't disagree with the idea of soulmates, I simply disagree with the idea that they are found. I think that bond is created. I think we decide that we are willing to sacrifice everything, down to our soul being an individual entity, in order to be with someone. We can mate in our flesh, but there is a greater mating, and that is of the soul. We ache when we are apart from someone, because our soul is stretched by the distance: it is neither with us or with them but has one end is with me and the other with her and the middle: its just stretched. Not across natural distance, across miles or continents, but by time and the state of separation. We have one person, only one, who we have poured our stories, our selves, our faith, our sacrifice...all of these things into. Our eggs are all in one basket and we are not afraid, but rather we get this sense that it is the only way that things can be. I think that's what a soulmate is. It is something we create, not by our own doing, but by our joined efforts and maybe, perhaps, by the hand of God himself. Maybe that's what we're asking when, at weddings, we ask for his hand to be upon that marriage. Maybe, in this understanding, I can pour more of my will into that prayer, so that others can experience this pure joy that i'm talking about. This pure joy that I really should have no understanding of. Maybe I don't. But maybe I do.
You see, I had thought I'd found my soulmate once. For a long time, she was just a girl I was dating. For a long time, she was a girl I loved, but I didn't know if it would last, or our lives could go the same direction. Something happened, though, when a great tragedy cast its shadow over my life. When tragedy came, I leaned on her. And she held me up. That did something, within me, that I wasn't aware of at the time. I think it made changes in her as well.
Then, when time and distance separated us months later, when I, in fact, broke up with her because I didn't want to do a long distance relationship, she sacrificed for me. She held me up from a distance. She saw that I was falling and grabbed me, holding my weight up when I couldn't stand on my own and enfolding me in her embrace when I could. She had no reason to, other than she believed in us, believed in me. I think that's when it happened. I think that's when it slowly happened in my heart. That's when I knew that I wanted to marry her. It wasn't just some distant 'maybe', but I was willing to make such great sacrifices in order to hold her up whenever she needed me.
It didn't happen. I won't go into detail about how it all fell apart, I'll just let you know that it did. I made mistakes, she made mistakes, we made mistakes together, we communicated things wrong, and the time and distance apart became something more until we didn't know each other anymore. And when I wanted to fix it, when I wanted to know her again, and for her to know me, the distance had become to great and she no longer wanted it. The wounds were too deep or something like that.
I think...I think that it's not that girl that I miss anymore. It's that sense of connectedness that I miss. It's that bond. I want a soulmate. And I want to be her knight in shimmering armor. And she will be my queen, who I would give anything for. I would risk any danger, endure any hardship, suffer any affliction, fight any battle, make any sacrifice for her. And she would know it. And she would lean on me for strength and, when I couldn't be infallible for her, it would be okay. Because she would know I had given everything and when I couldn't be infallible, she would hold me up instead.
This...musing of mine took an interesting turn. I hope that what it says means something to other people, and not just myself. If the truth in here is only truth about me, then I am still alone, but if not, then we are in this together. We're not alone, though we may feel it. It isn't enough to make this pain go away, but I take some encouragement in it.
I want to be infallible. I know I can't be, and that creates a bit of a dilemma. I oftentimes feel that the only real purpose I can serve is to make people's lives better. I want to see that I am making people's lives better. Instead, it sometimes feels like all I see are my own failures to do so. My family loves me, and I love them back. I want to do right by them. I wish there were a better expression for this than the one I just used, but to do so would take so many words: I want to make them proud, I want to take care of them, I want to be better than they expect, all they hoped for, make them better too...
I want to be infallible. I want to be there for my friends whenever they need me. I wish they would let me know when they need me because I can't be there for them if they don't let me know. It's not this sense of duty I feel, really. It may come across that way, but its not. I don't feel obligated to help people. If that were the case, I would be resentful and bitter. I would hate myself and everyone who relies on me, but that's not the case. Instead, I just want people to understand. I want people to know they can lean on me, and I will hold them up with all the strength I possess. When that strength falters, I need others to hold me up so I can keep holding up those who lean on me.
Yet, I feel so alone so much of the time. I feel like its me against the world and no one really understands. I can't communicate it with people except for every once in a long while. It seems like, even then, they don't understand me. How can they? I tell my stories. I tell them who I am, and through the stories, they get a glimpse of who I am. A mere glimpse. It would take hundreds upon hundreds of stories for someone to know me. But I want them to. I want someone to.
I don't live with my family anymore. It's hard. They know me. Yet, the more and more we are apart, the less they know me. We will always have something that will not go away: a bond, a sense of common experience—but it seems that, each passing month, or year, it's harder to find that bond amid the changes that are happening in each of our lives. It's harder to dredge through the alien feelings we have toward each other, and cut down to the core of who we are: we are family. It scares me, because maybe one day, the time it takes to get to the core of it...we won't take that time. Maybe someday we'll all be so busy that we'll lose sight of it, and it will be buried beneath a great weight of differences.
Families are supposed to go their separate ways, I know that. I don't think we're ready yet. They still need me. I still need them. Will it always be this way? Is it simply a matter of finding a balance between making sacrifices to be with them and fighting to create our own identity? I really hope this is simply an American phenomenon. I actually wish its not even that widespread, because this, in the core of my soul, feels...slightly...off. I know my mom and my sister and my brother are doing okay. They're doing fine. But I don't want fine for them. I can give my sister something just by having a conversation with her. I can transform fine into something better by my presence or by my words. By being in the right place at the right time, I can express love in such magnitude that it transcends form and floods forward like a river that has breached its dam. But I can't always be there.
A day will come when, in going my own way, I'll start my own family. I'll start a branch off of the tree that goes back to my mom and dad, my aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents...etc. Then i'll have someone who, though they won't always be there, they will be there as much as they can. They will get to know me, and will spend years and years in this pursuit. As will I of them. I will get married, and we will be two human beings accepting each other as we are, to the best of our abilities, and willing each other to be the best they can be. I want to support someone, share their dreams, be a pillar of strength for them. I want them to come to me when they need help. I want them to know that I will always be there. I will not be infallible, but I will give all that I have and more. 'and more': it would seem impossible, but I know it can be done. It is a leap of faith into the unknown, sacrificing solid footing in the hope of gaining something better. Love aids us in doing this. I want to love someone that deeply. Someone that will not go their separate way one day. Someone that I am bound to, by a sacred oath, until death parts us. And after that, we will be the bride of someone infallible, but until then, we will do our best to be his image as a spouse instead.
People talk about soulmates like its something we need to find. We need to find that one specific person who will understand us, who will be our exact counterpart, like two puzzle pieces that only interlock with each other. I disagree. I don't disagree with the idea of soulmates, I simply disagree with the idea that they are found. I think that bond is created. I think we decide that we are willing to sacrifice everything, down to our soul being an individual entity, in order to be with someone. We can mate in our flesh, but there is a greater mating, and that is of the soul. We ache when we are apart from someone, because our soul is stretched by the distance: it is neither with us or with them but has one end is with me and the other with her and the middle: its just stretched. Not across natural distance, across miles or continents, but by time and the state of separation. We have one person, only one, who we have poured our stories, our selves, our faith, our sacrifice...all of these things into. Our eggs are all in one basket and we are not afraid, but rather we get this sense that it is the only way that things can be. I think that's what a soulmate is. It is something we create, not by our own doing, but by our joined efforts and maybe, perhaps, by the hand of God himself. Maybe that's what we're asking when, at weddings, we ask for his hand to be upon that marriage. Maybe, in this understanding, I can pour more of my will into that prayer, so that others can experience this pure joy that i'm talking about. This pure joy that I really should have no understanding of. Maybe I don't. But maybe I do.
You see, I had thought I'd found my soulmate once. For a long time, she was just a girl I was dating. For a long time, she was a girl I loved, but I didn't know if it would last, or our lives could go the same direction. Something happened, though, when a great tragedy cast its shadow over my life. When tragedy came, I leaned on her. And she held me up. That did something, within me, that I wasn't aware of at the time. I think it made changes in her as well.
Then, when time and distance separated us months later, when I, in fact, broke up with her because I didn't want to do a long distance relationship, she sacrificed for me. She held me up from a distance. She saw that I was falling and grabbed me, holding my weight up when I couldn't stand on my own and enfolding me in her embrace when I could. She had no reason to, other than she believed in us, believed in me. I think that's when it happened. I think that's when it slowly happened in my heart. That's when I knew that I wanted to marry her. It wasn't just some distant 'maybe', but I was willing to make such great sacrifices in order to hold her up whenever she needed me.
It didn't happen. I won't go into detail about how it all fell apart, I'll just let you know that it did. I made mistakes, she made mistakes, we made mistakes together, we communicated things wrong, and the time and distance apart became something more until we didn't know each other anymore. And when I wanted to fix it, when I wanted to know her again, and for her to know me, the distance had become to great and she no longer wanted it. The wounds were too deep or something like that.
I think...I think that it's not that girl that I miss anymore. It's that sense of connectedness that I miss. It's that bond. I want a soulmate. And I want to be her knight in shimmering armor. And she will be my queen, who I would give anything for. I would risk any danger, endure any hardship, suffer any affliction, fight any battle, make any sacrifice for her. And she would know it. And she would lean on me for strength and, when I couldn't be infallible for her, it would be okay. Because she would know I had given everything and when I couldn't be infallible, she would hold me up instead.
This...musing of mine took an interesting turn. I hope that what it says means something to other people, and not just myself. If the truth in here is only truth about me, then I am still alone, but if not, then we are in this together. We're not alone, though we may feel it. It isn't enough to make this pain go away, but I take some encouragement in it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)