Rusty Knight

The squeak of armor, the clank of chain

Herald each step of my quest.

Dragging my trophy through the main gate,

Slain at the kingdom’s behest.

Sound and smell and sight assail

As I approach the kingdom’s heart.

Hawkers and wenches, workers and guards

Vendor’s stalls, horses and carts

Pay me no heed in my rusted suit,

Covered in soot and dirt.

Dented and scratched, my armor still sound,

Thought its wear is masking its worth.

The shield on my back, scarred and beaten

From the countless battles it’s seen,

My sword hidden in a worn out scabbard,

But its blade is polished and keen.

I avoid the knights that stay at court:

That proud and dignified caste

Whose armor gleams and scabbards stick

Their battles far in their past.

My eyes flit to the walls of the keep,

Within are ladies both noble and fair,

I cast down my gaze and still my heart,

To face them I’m unprepared.

I struggle my way to the top of the wall.

My trophy slows my ascent.

Old wounds cry out and muscles ache.

My body is nearly spent. 

I fight with my trophy and fix it in place,

The battlements taking its weight.

It serves as a symbol of the kingdom’s strength

Seen by all that pass through the gate.

I pause for a moment and take a deep breath,

My quest done, my burden released.

A feast shall be held in the great hall tonight,

The kingdom now safe from this beast.

Yet I turn not toward the doors of the keep

But the gate and the realm that’s beyond.

I trudge down the road, the castle behind

A home where I don’t yet belong. 

A rusty knight has no place at court

Amongst nobles in fine array.

Though I’m beaten and weary and longing for rest,

There are monsters I still need to slay.

On Despair

A lot of the time, it feels like I have a gaping hole inside of me...an emptiness with its own gravity, pulling at the rest of me, threatening to swallow the pieces of me until I am left hollow and numb.  On my darker days, I feel the pull so strongly that it is almost impossible to resist.  It is easy to turn to certain things that numb the feeling of that pull—to get outside of my head for just a little bit.  But the things that are easy are temporary, and when the effects fade, the pull is there, just as hungry as it was before.   

I don't know how to heal the hole.  I don't know if I can.  I don't know if anyone else can.  I can't isolate a single event that caused it.  I suppose it was a single thing that caused it to form, but since then, events in my life had made it bigger...worse.  So the events of my life have left me with a wound that no amount of self-medication will ever fix.  There must be another route to dealing with it.  

There is a way, I have found, that I can manage it, surviving the bad days and finding some happiness from the good days.  I would even say that I find some measure of joy from living my life in this manner.  There are some days where I find great pleasure in my life, but there are others where it seems that all I can do is weather the storm.  Sometimes, bad days or weeks come and I haven't the strength to fight against gravity.  It pulls me in and the numbness advances.  Then a small bit of hope comes along and pulls back, ransoming parts of myself that were pulled into the abyss. It's a war within my very soul and one that is very serious.  It is a war that I will not lose, because there is always enough hope to get by—enough hope to survive.  Yet, surviving isn't enough.  It is a half-life—an empty existence.  There is so much more that I have to offer and so much more that I can be.   

Let us name this abyss 'Despair'.  It is Despair that eats at my soul—and Hope that sets it free.  Every once in a while, something wonderful comes along that fills me with a great hope, and I catch a glimpse of what my life can be.  Who I really am is reawakened and I am fortified by hope.  I can fight Despair and my strength is greater than its hunger.  So long as I can keep my eyes fixed on this hope, I move forward...toward the man I fervently believe I am intended to be.  Yet, always in the past, there has been something that has made me lose sight of hope, or what I put hope in fades away.  There are even times where I become convinced that the hope I cling to isn't for me, or that I don't deserve it.  So I avert my eyes and fall back into the grip of Despair.   

This is my battle: not to cling to just enough hope to avoid giving up, but to put my hope in things that will not fail me, and to hold fast to that hope and claim it as my own.  It is too easy, when the darkness comes, to believe its lies and let go.  It is too tempting, when wonderful things come along, to put all of my hope in them, flying high so long as they last, but falling far when they fade away.  There are things that I hope for that seem distant, and the distance can cause me to give in to Despair.   

Yet, there is a difference between what is hoped for and what we place our hope in.  I hope for a family: a wife and kids.  I hope for opportunities to invest in others, and inspire them down a road toward their best self.  I hope for a life of purpose that blesses everyone around me.  These are not the things I place my hope in.  I place my hope in the family I already have: their love for me, their acceptance of me, their faith in me.  No matter what I do, they will not abandon me.  I place my hope in the belief that God has not abandoned this world—that He still has a plan for it.  This means that the love and kindness we pour into it are not wasted.  And I place hope in the belief that God still has a plan for me.  Whatever I've been through, whatever desires and passions are in my heart, there is a reason.  I choose to move forward, clinging to the belief that, in His own time, God will give me the desires that are placed in my heart, the things I hope for.  I pursue my passions, believing God has a use for them in His plan.  I cling to the promises of scripture: that God is faithful, that He loves, that His desire is to give us good things (for what loving father, when his child asks for a fish, would give him a snake instead, to paraphrase Luke 11:11).  

When put this way, it seems like my life should be some kind of victory march, surging forward, drum beating, brimming with the certainty of what is to come.  Yet, that is not the case.  Instead it feels more like a fugitive's flight behind enemy lines, trying to find my way home, driven forward by kindness freely given by unexpected hands and the hope of what awaits me when I am safely home.  I sit in wonder that I have made it this far.  As I look back, it has been God's faithfulness, and those He has used to bless me, that has gotten me here.  God's faithfulness has gotten me this far and I must cling to the hope that it will never fail.  If the Bible is to be believed, God's faithfulness is not something to hope for, but rather one of the greatest things to put our hope in.  If the Bible is to be believed, God's faithfulness is not something that will fail or fade—it is one of the few things in this world that is certain.

Ascending

A boy I knew used to dream:
He dreamed of a life of joy.
He dreamed of changing the world.
They were good dreams.
But life happened.
Life wasn't kind.

Beaten and bruised he had fallen.
From ashes and ruin I rose.
I cried out in anguish,
Pain engulfing me as I tried to stand.
I wanted to curl up in a ball,
But instead I knelt...gathering strength.

Now my strength is gathered, it is time to stand.
No more planning, no more backing down.
I grit my teeth and fight through the pain.
Others have risen before, others will rise after,
But this is my ascension: this is my fight.
To my feet I stagger and gasp through the pain.

I am a survivor...no, I am more: I am a fighter.
As i take each step, I fight the pain.
The pain won't define me.
Life wasn't kind, but dreams don't die easily.
I will chase the boy's dreams.  I won't give up.
My strength is greater than this brokenness. 

zombie stories

I've decided to start posting my zombie story that I'm almost done working on.  I'm going to put it up in installments.  It's in its third draft as its being posted on the page and the form may yet change before I'm done with it.  Please, check it out at http://zombiestories-jdallen.blogspot.com/2012/01/about-girl-part-1-by-jef-allen.html

Pilot Light

Hello to any loyal followers who still check to see if I've posted anything, even though I haven't posted anything for a very long time.  I've got some updates I'm going to make in the near future, including this poem I wrote tonight:

Pilot Light

I am diminished.
The greatness in me has faded to a flicker
Like the pilot light of a great furnace:
When not needed, it is quiet
And forgotten .

Yet cold creeps in
And soon the furnace will be needed once more.
A fire will blaze once again from its depths,
The sleeping giant will be awoken
To combat the winter's bite.

And so it begins:
The fuel pours into my soul,
A fire ignites and the cobwebs are burned away.
The furnace groans as it remembers its purpose.
The light in my eyes returns.

Give me a direction;
A purpose for the flame inside.
Alone in the darkness my flame is futile.
Bring close the cold so they may be warm;
So they too may be renewed.

quick like fast

So i'm down in oklahoma and I want to give everyone an update, but i'm going to try to be as quick in writing it as possible, since I'm borrowing someone's computer at the moment and he'll probably want it back as soon as he's done talking to his girlfriend on the phone.  Fortunately, she's pretty longwinded.  It's been a lot warmer down here than it is back home.  Today it was nearly 90 degrees!  It was a bit of a rough start, but I'm gaining momentum.  The dorms are basically a bunkhouse, the people are VERY rough and crass, but I definitely see a place where I can make a difference.  One of my prayers coming down here was that I could be a blessing to the people around me while I'm down here, and I definitely am feeling like that is possible.

I've found a church that I can plug into down here.  I went for the first time and had conversations with probably a dozen people who noticed that I was new and welcomed me.  Also, someone invited me over to lunch with them which was wonderful.  It was great to get away from school and hang around people that I could let my guard down and be comfortable instead of trying to be sure i was representing what i want to represent.  I'm looking forward to spending the next 3 months getting to know the people there and hopefully finding a way to get involved in their community.

Finally, the learning curve on the practical aspect of horseshoeing school has been pretty steep.  It basically felt like we were thrown at a horse and told 'now you do it.'  The first week was a bit rocky, but I'm starting to feel like I'm gaining at least some degree of proficiency.  I was smiling a lot today as I was working because I know I'm getting better and I know that I really CAN do this.  I can learn a lot, I can graduate, and I can go back to Minnesota and make a living doing it.  One of the ideas I'm throwing around is having a goal of getting my journeyman farrier certification at the end of the twelve weeks.  It would be hard to do, but not impossible.  it seems, at the very least, to be a good thing to shoot for and something to help me stay motivated.

Thank you everyone for your support and your prayers.  It really feels like God's hand has been on me and the things I'm doing down here and I KNOW it's because of all the prayer support I've been getting. Please continue praying for me, specifically that I'll be able to make some connections at Emmanuel Baptist of Purcell, find a way to serve there without compromising school, be a good influence on my fellow students and make a positive difference in their lives, and continue to be motivated and encouraged as I shoe horses.  Also, please pray that I do not injure myself or get sick.  So far, I've been very blessed and have only gotten minor scrapes and cuts.

Thanks again everyone.  I'll try to, in the near future, post some of the things I've been writing, but for now I have to go. there's a thunderstorm brewing and my computer time is up.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKlahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...

Dear Friends and Family:

I have very exciting news.  On April 11, 2011, I will be beginning a 12 week curriculum at Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, where I will spend 9 hours a day for 6 days a week learning everything I can about taking care of horses' feet.  I'm beginning my journey on the 9th, driving 800 miles to a place I've never been, never seen, but have only heard about.  It's scary.  It's very scary.

Some of you may not know that I've spent about half of my life working with horses.  I grew up in Zumbrota on a farm where, in cooperation with my dad's parents, we bred, raised and trained Paso Fino horses.  A significant portion of my teenage life was spent taking care of, training, and learning about horses.  So, to those of you who may think this is a strange step for me to be taking, I assure you it is not.

I've struggled with school for nearly five years now, moving from one educational institution to another.  The most important thing I've learned in all of this is that I'm not ready to get a bachelor's degree or even an AA degree.  I just can't make it seem important enough.  Always it's in competition for time from my job, my social life, my involvement in church, reading interesting books, watching TV, playing video games...the list goes on.  Realizing this in recent months has been frustrating, and I began looking for alternatives.  Becoming a farrier (dude who takes care of horses' feet....think of them as 'horse podiatrists') was one alternative I was presented with about two years ago and passed by, because I just wasn't ready to pursue it.  Now, the opportunity reared its head again and I decided to pursue it.

I'm excited at the prospect of the occupation.  I've always liked horses, though I'll admit that having ten or twenty on the farm certainly seemed like a nuisance when trying to juggle high school, sports, social life..., and know that I will be passionate about taking the BEST care of them that I possibly can.  I do a very good job of latching onto information and processing it into useful knowledge.  Horseshoeing is FULL of information like this.  Also, I've had a year and a half experience at Caribou Coffee where I've come to understand the service industry on a very deep level, as well as have grown to appreciate the importance of networking and customer service/communication.  With the training I'll receive at Oklahoma Horseshoeing School, I believe I'll be very well set up to enter back into the horse world as a well trained and highly skilled farrier.

I won't have a computer down at OHS, nor will I have regular access to internet, but my hope is to go to a library on a weekly basis, or some similar regular interval, to update this blog and check my emails.  I will have my cell phone, for those of you who have the number or know where you can get it, and I'll be done with my classes on a daily basis at 4 PM if you care to reach me, talk with me, check in with me, etc.  This adventure is going to be more difficult than probably any undertaking I've yet attempted, but I've done as much as I can to be sure that I am prepared and will have as few distractions as possible.  Your support would be much appreciated while I am down at OHS, whether it is prayer or mail or just general encouragement.  The address that snail mail can be sent to (and I actually really love snail mail) is:

Jef Allen
Oklahoma Horseshoeing School
26446 Horseshoe Cir.
Purcell, OK 73080

I will be living at dormitories on the compound at the school and will be almost COMPLETELY immersed in the culture and experience the school has to offer.

One of the reasons this opportunity excites me is that, once I am done at OHS, I will be responsible for finding my own clientele and will basically decide my workload and how I want to go about marketing and networking.  I have no delusions that I won't be scrambling for any opportunity I can lay my hands on once I return this summer, but as I progress and get my foot in the door, I will be able to work at my own pace and with incredible freedom.  I'll be able to work around other things that are important to me such as ministry opportunities, mission trips, vacations, and time for writing.  Also, there is always the opportunity to develop and become a better farrier.  There's no real limit to what I can achieve.  I find it impossible to be anything BUT excited about these prospects. 

I expect I will be returning to the twin cities (over 4th of July weekend) after completing the 12 week program (that sounds funny...especially if you substitute 'step' for 'week'...I digress), begging for a place to stay from some of my friends, and then seeking out an apprenticeship under one of the established farriers in the Twin Cities area.  From there...who knows?  I'm just excited to be stepping forward into a bigger adventure than what I've been living lately.  I'm excited at the prospect of financial independence and stability.  I'm excited at the idea of making life better for horse owners and, yes, even horses.  Also, I'm excited that the years I spent working on a farm will actually be useful again, as they so often seem to be just quaint memories in the city, as the environment is so very different.

Thanks for taking the time to read this post and learning what it is I'm setting out to do.  I hope the information presented here is useful and gives you insight into me and what I'm about and what I'm going to be doing.  I'd love to stay in contact with as many people as possible, although the amount of time and internet access available to me down in Oklahoma will limit that to a degree, so please, if you try to contact me, be patient and I'll do my best to respond when I can. (sounds like an answering machine message). 

Thanks again and God bless!